Sincerely Human
Anger management
By Norman Araiza, M.A.

Of all the emotions, none creates more problems and does more damage than anger. But that is not to say that anger is an unhealthy emotion. In fact, when dealt with appropriately, anger is a very functional emotion that can increase intimacy in our life.

In truth, anger does little damage. It’s when anger is not expressed that it can eventually turn into rage, which is an out-of-control feeling and potentially can be very dangerous. If anger is handled effectively, it should not convert to rage.

I like to take my lessons regarding human functioning from nature. The analogy that I use is that anger is like smoke. Under the smoke is the fire. The fire is the feeling that underlies the anger of which you or the other person may not be fully aware. Anger is a secondary feeling to the primary feeling of hurt, sadness or fear, which brought on the feeling of anger in the first place. Remember, anger never comes just by itself but always in response to another feeling. That feeling is the fire that needs to be put out. When we express our primary feelings first, two important things occur. First, by expressing the hurt, fear or sadness we get the other persons attention without the accompanying defensiveness often aroused when anger is expressed. Secondly, when we put out the fire oftentimes the smoke is diffused and the need for a blowout of anger is eliminated, thereby improving the listener’s ability to hear the real issues. Later, if there is still a need to express the anger, by then it is manageable.

But anger management involves dealing with other’s anger, not just our own. When dealing with another’s anger, the first rule is: “Get out of self” and try to empathize with the angry person; meaning shift your attention away from what you are feeling in response to their anger, to what you observe in the other person. If your attention stays on yourself, chances are you will become defensive and begin to tell the angry person why they are wrong for being angry. The idea is to never resist another’s anger. Remember that anger is energy. If the anger meets no resistance, it comes out and will soon abate.

The second rule is: “Don’t listen to the words” the person is saying! When we are angry, we often say things we really don’t mean. If you listen to the words, you’ll get hooked into an argument, telling the person why they are wrong for being angry. That usually only creates more anger. Again a lesson from nature, we should be like a reed in a heavy wind. When the wind blows, the reed bends. If it doesn’t bend, it snaps and breaks. When the wind passes, the reed returns to normal. When we acknowledge another’s anger without agreeing or disagreeing and encourage them to get it out, the anger tends to go away. I like to say “Act, don’t react.” When we react to another’s anger, we are not in control of self. They are in control of us. Later, when the anger has subsided, we can then talk about the real issues without the fury of the anger distorting things.

The martial arts teach us to never resist another person’s energy. Instead you move with their energy by acknowledging what you see. You should encourage them to express their anger, verbally. “I can see that you are really angry. You’re hands are in a fist. I’m glad you’re getting it out.” Ask them, “What else do you want to tell me?” This non-defensive behavior usually takes the wind right out of their sails. Additionally, if you can direct their attention by leading them to address their feelings of hurt, fear or sadness, many times that will allow you to sidestep and defuse the anger as well, while being empathic.

Learning to deal with our own anger is not that difficult. Nor is changing our reaction to other’s anger as well. Usually we just need to switch from our “feeling selves” to our “thinking selves” and decide how we can best handle this very normal human emotion.

Norman Araiza, M.A., is an American-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in San Miguel. He can be reached at 152-5454 or by email 2gatos10@cybermatsa.com.mx.  For reprints of previous articles, visit www.normanaraiza.com.