Pride and unforgiveness make for toxicity in relationships
By Norman Araiza, M.A., March 23, 2007

After 30 years of working with people who were dissatisfied with what they were getting from their relationships, two traits stand out as most common. The first is pride.

Most of us are taught to be proud. We are taught to be proud of our country, of ourselves, our names; we are taught to be proud of everything about our identity, certainly our attributes and accomplishments. But when it comes to relationships, there should be no room for pride.

Imagine for a moment two people who love each other, have had a disagreement and can see no way through their disagreement, so they just avoid it and during the time it takes to get over this disagreement they go without loving each other. One day turns into the next and they are still not loving each other. They love each other, they just aren’t “loving” each other. Sometimes, after a while, one or the other may even forget what the original disagreement was about. It doesn’t matter that something has happened and they don’t know how to fix it. Either a line was drawn in the sand or a poor decision was made i.e. “You will have to come to me.” I refer to this attitude as toxicity. The relationship is toxic. It’s as though the relationship has been infected by some virus. It continues to function to some degree, it just doesn’t function well. Neither of the people are having their emotional needs met at this point. The cold war has been declared silently. If some form of behavioural medicine is not administere
d, the quality of life and of the relationship may be threatened. At this point, treatment is indicated even though the couple may be unaware of the need. Many untreated relationships eventually end because of this “virus,” or are forever altered negatively as a result of it. The reasons may be different, but the dynamics are the same.

Almost at any point in the toxic relationship, a strong dose of love exchanged between the parties may serve to heal the relationship. The patients may both know what they need, they just won’t ask for it. If either will initiate it, the medicine will be affective. But pride usually keeps them apart. Pride is the virus that kills or wounds many relationships. Usually, a sincere hug, a kiss, and an “I'm still with you, Babe!” is all most any relationship needs to flourish. It’s the absence of expressed love that terminates relationships.

Pride always keeps you from getting what you really want. Erhard Werner, said it this way, “If you can’t ask for it, you can’t have it. It’s as simple as that.” And I believe it. But so few people ask for it. Pride keeps them from saying: “Won’t you please love me?” “Please put your arms around me and hold me.” or “Please let’s close this gap between us and get on with loving each other.” Few people I have seen are able to do this. Most of them don’t ask for what they really want and and they don’t get it. What they get is the “unlove.” The unlove is all the other behaviors that are not love; the functional, task oriented, must-take-care-ofs, perhaps sarcastic, or barbed comments that many wounded relationships survive on. And eventually, they become bitter and resentful. And after awhile they’re expecting the toxicity and that’s all they see. It’s a fact of human nature that we find what we look for. If we are looking for toxicity, that’s all we will see. Small tokens of amnesty go unrecognized as the relat
ionship falters.

If pride isn’t striking a blow to the relationship and it remains toxic, look for “unforgiveness” in there somewhere. Classically, with unforgiveness, one party does something to another, that is apparently unforgivable, and that prevents the relationship from continuing in the same spirit than before the incident. If the relationship does not terminate after the incident, it can limp along not doing justice to either party. Clearly, toxicity has entered the relationship and without intervention, both parties lose. 

For some of us, the act of forgiving is a new behavior. Or if not new, it is rarely displayed. If our parents did not forgive, most likely we never learned the process. As a result, the toxicity stays with us and affects our physical and mental health. Many people view the act of forgiving as giving something up, perhaps power. But the power they are giving up is not positive power. If their forgiveness is done with reluctance then perhaps something more is needed. When I think of the familiar sayings regarding forgivenenss I think , “I don’t forgive, I just get even.” or “I may forgive but I’ll never forget.” What does this imply? True acceptance? We may laugh at sayings like these but they can influence us.

Ideally, the act of forgiveness by the offended party should follow some expression of responsibility, whether intentional or otherwise; a sincere apology by the offender, including genuine contrition, and an affirmation to not make the same mistake again. After all, “to err is human.” No? When this is done in a straight-forward manner, how can anyone earnestly withhold forgiveness? Unless of course, there is an ulterior motive to the withholding of the pardon. This brings to mind retribution, revenge, repayment, retaliation, punishment and a host of unsavoury motivations. If, however, the unwillingness to forgive is based on repeated experiences with this same person, then probably ending the relationship or at least setting important limitations to the relationship is in order.

So, what is the act of forgiveness? And how do we know when we have forgiven adequately? The answers to these questions are matters of the heart. But, when we are able to open ourselves once again to the love of the offender without reservations or holding back of self, sharing our joy, expressing our love, being good company, than forgiveness is complete. Hopefully, after this we can move on, not warily but wiser.

Most couples whom I have seen professionally came because they were fighting all the time. Or when they did fight it became brutal one way or another. But the saddest relationships are those of couples who don’t fight. Arguments, disagreements, fights are inevitable. It’s when couples don’t fight that the most damage is done to the relationship. Many couples with whom I have worked had parents who fought too often or fought “dirty.” As a result, the only way to fight, they learned, was to not fight fairly. So, whenever a fight was in the offing they would either just clam up or leave as a means of avoiding the fight. Knowing how to fight fairly makes all the difference. How to fight fairly is a subject worthy of another article. But let me say that the best part of fighting is that you get to make up. When you make up, you always feel closer than you did before the fight. If however, you don’t fight, you don’t get to make up. Every relationship will face some form of dissension, disappointment or disenchantme
nt. Some relationships come to an end with the first offense. It’s our ability to work through these difficulties and persevere that makes the relationship something to savor.

Healthy relationships are all about love: giving, receiving, experiencing, sharing. If pride or unforgiveness is keeping you from having what you both deserve, going into denial will do nothing but worsen the situation. If you seem unable to resolve these issues together, know that it can improve. You just may need a little help. The good news is that SMA is full of capable therapists and just think of the money you’ll save over state side prices.

Norman Araiza M.A. is an American-trained family therapist enjoying a limited practice in SMA. He can be reached at 152-5454 You can email comments or questions at 2gatos10@cybermatsa.com.mx