Sincerely Human

Endangered relationships
By Norman Araiza, June 29, 2007

Intimacy is the life blood of any meaningful relationship and trust is the framework that provides structure and support; without these, the relationship limps along like a feeble old person waiting to die. Naturally most loving relationships are founded on these premises. But over time unhealed wounds and disappointments can eat away at trust and true intimacy may be lost. 

Intimacy means telling secrets about ourselves, letting another person know we trust them by exposing our vulnerabilities and disclosing information about who we really are and how we got that way. It’s about sharing our dreams and hopes for the future. Our first experiences with intimacy often occur when we are very young, with that special “best friend.” Secrets shared in the wee hours of the morning during those summer camp-outs in the back yard.

These solemn oaths and disclosures may take the relationship to a deeper level and establish a lasting bond regardless of the frequency of contact. Early relationships can become the model for intimate relationships from that day forward. But those were the early naive days of youth, before the hurts, lies and betrayals, before we learned to shut down, hide and protect ourselves. And while protection is healthy, emotional protection can keep us from experiencing the feelings we want to feel, like love, trust, support, acceptance, everything that bolsters us to become the best person we are capable of being.

Because most endangered relationships suffer from a loss of intimacy, I begin counseling by asking to hear the stories of how they met. All couples have their stories. I ask them about their initial attraction, exploring those early feelings that were so strong they couldn’t stay apart. Then we explore what happened to bring about the loss of trust and the abandonment of intimacy. For some, it was the heartbreak of betrayal from an extra-marital affair. For others, it was a gradual change that took place over the course of raising a family. It can be caused by loss of hope due to unfulfilled promises, a disillusionment that leads to feeling the partner is unworthy of intimacy. Usually it’s not a conscious decision. Only after giving the subject considerable thought is a couple able to define how the injury has taken place. I encourage them to express their mutual pain and anger being careful to provide each with important safety measures to secure the integrity of the relationship. 

Medical doctors prescribe medicine to deal with life’s ailments and injuries. Effective psychotherapists prescribe behavioral medicine in the form of “homework” to encourage intimate behavior within the structure of the assigned tasks. In the joint sessions we work at learning to express feelings, both negative and positive but expressed in a healthier way. Through structured listening exercises the couple learns to truly hear what their partner is saying without the distortion brought on by defensiveness or threats. 

Through the disclosure of past hurts and the fear of being hurt in the future, new inroads of trust are forged. Rebuilding a healthy relationship is all about taking risks, approaching things in a different way. Of course we all know what we get if we don’t take risks: we get the same old thing. Rebuilding relationships involves learning to really listen and really share.

Most endangered relationships are unable to make the transition from non intimacy to true intimacy without professional assistance. If it was easy, they would have done it before the relationship became endangered. Usually they are both too distrusting to take the leap alone. 

I salute those couples who value their relationship enough to make that leap of faith and pick up the phone to make that first appointment. Your relationship is worth it, your family and friends are worth it. Broken relationships affect everyone in your life. I know it, I’ve been there.


Norman Araiza, M.A. is an American-trained psychotherapist and marriage counselor enjoying a limited practice in SMA. He can be reached at 152-5454 or email 2gatos10@cybermatsa.com.mx.