Sincerely Human
By Norman Araiza, MA, Jan 19, 2007

Endangered Relationships: The warning signs

Of all emotional difficulties I have seen in my practice, none seems more painful than those that occur as the result of lost love. Maintaining romantic relationships appears to be the most difficult thing of all. In my 25 years as a marriage counselor, clients most often called for an appointment just prior to scheduling an appointment with a divorce attorney or were often referred to me by a divorce attorney who felt the relationship was salvageable. The reason, I believe, couples wait until the relationship has deteriorated to such a point is that they fail to recognize the warning signs before the relationship enters a critical stage. Recognizing these early danger signs and exploring the reasons behind them may save the couple from experiencing one of life’s most difficult processes, not to mention the possible financial disaster so common in divorce.

The three most common reasons for divorce, according to marriage counselors, are money, sex and in-laws, in that order. That is not to say that clever couples cannot find reasons to divorce that do not fall into these categories, but these are most common. In response to these and other problems, couples commonly exhibit behavioral patterns that signal the profound distress the relationship is undergoing. These symptoms are often so insidious that the couple accepts them as normal marital functioning, even as they proceed closer to the demise of the relationship.

While these danger signs do not occur in any particular order, rarely does a relationship end that has not been preceded by at least some, if not all, of the following behaviors.

First, communication is limited to maintenance issues, meaning that casual, pleasant interaction has all but been eliminated. The couple find themselves pretty much discussing only issues relating to necessary household functioning, such as bank deposits, home repairs, bill paying and shopping. This may occur because past attempts to discuss more pleasurable subjects have resulted in conflicts, disagreements and uncomfortable interactions or perhaps their desire to disclose more personal issues has lessened because of judgments or lack of empathy with or interest by their partner. Usually, the couple doesn’t make a conscious decision to communicate less—it just seems to occur naturally. We have all witnessed (usually) older couples sitting in restaurants, quietly eating and not interacting, as if whatever there was to say to each other has already been said. What could have changed, however, is their willingness to disclose more intimate parts of themselves. 

The truth is, because we are constantly evolving, changing and adapting, there should never be a time when we have run out of things to share with our partners. In fact, our changing attitudes, goals, concerns and reactions to influences need to be shared as they occur, or one day the couple may wake up to the realization that they don’t know each other any more.

Another sign of a declining relationship is communication tainted with sarcasm. Sarcasm surfaces as snide, harsh or bitter comments, often the result of unexpressed anger or resentment, that are passive-aggressive in nature. We don’t have to have a passive-aggressive personality to use sarcasm, but sarcasm is usually used, sometimes unconsciously, as a safe way to express our disapproval of a person or situation. In this way we can appear to be “just kidding” and still get the jab in while avoiding responsibility for our comments.

When the causal issues underlying the sarcasm are not dealt with, the relationship may deteriorate to the use of put-downs and embarrassing comments in family or social settings. This regression clearly demonstrates a loss of respect that could precede the demise of the relationship. This brings to mind a former client whose wife had developed the habit of belittling her husband at dinner, in front of their children. It didn’t take long before the children picked up on the game and began putting him down also. His referring symptom was an acute inability to swallow and a choking sensation for which there was no physical cause. Obviously, he couldn’t “swallow” the situation in which he found himself. Subsequently, he divorced his wife and became symptom-free.

In addition to these signs of relationship distress, a general sense of irritability and loss of normal patience can make nearly all interactions painful for the targeted partner. Everything one partner does is met with a judgment by the other. “Why did you do it that way?” is a common question among struggling partners. It’s as though nothing the offending person can do is right in the eyes of the critical partner. When this attitude is adopted, not only is it painful for the one criticized, but the judging partner makes him or herself miserable in the process.

Living in such a toxic environment necessitates adaptations to ameliorate the negative stress. Commonly, one of the partners begins to withdraw from activities with the other. This is when involvement in solitary activities, like spending an inordinate amount of time on the computer or reading, increases.

By this time, one or both parties may be depressed because few emotional needs are being met and outward signs of affection have pretty much been eliminated. Sex may be something from the past, or if it does take place it is routine and unsatisfying for both. Each partner may recognize that something is terribly wrong, but usually neither seems able to do anything about it or even bring up the issue for discussion.

The final phase is obvious when outward signs of affection are gone or rare. Almost all interactions result in fault-finding, criticism, bickering and arguments. The couple seems unable to enjoy even pleasurable activities like taking a vacation together. Vacations can be stressful for everyone, but for troubled partners who harbor a fantasy that the vacation will dissolve the problems between them, the stress is compounded. So, disappointments abound and hostilities surface as arguments become commonplace, even in paradise.

It has been my experience that relationships rarely decline to this level unless there are unhealed and unresolved issues from the past that often are unconscious to one or both partners. Usually, one or a number of incidents have occurred that have destroyed the trust in the relationship. The offended party usually makes a decision, consciously or unconsciously, that affects the relationship from that point on. Frequently, individual sessions are indicated at this point to safely bring the offended party to realize where the healing needs to take place. 

Often, the offended person discounts the significance of the incident and speaks of it casually as if it weren’t that big a deal or that he or she has gotten over it. A skilled therapist looks for “orienting reflexes” that the body gives off unconsciously that contradict the casual affect the client is attempting to demonstrate. These orienting reflexes communicate to the therapist that a significant issue has been raised and previously repressed material may now be available for expression. If adequate trust has been developed between the therapist and the client, the repressed emotions are expressed. 

In most cases, one or two emotions are not expressed, but both are necessary for emotional healing to take place. Depending on the early emotional training clients received from whomever raised them, they may have repressed their hurt, sadness or fear and only expressed their anger. Or, conversely, they only expressed their hurt, fear and sadness and repressed their anger. In either event, it is these repressed feelings that prevent healing from taking place and block any positive, loving feelings from being felt toward or from their partner. Once the feelings that were unconscious but still affecting the relationship become conscious and are expressed fully, the skilled therapist leads the client to the point of re-decision, whereby the client corrects the previous unhealthy decision and begins the process of rebuilding trust that the relationship can be a mutually satisfying and healthy one. 

Recently, I saw a couple who had not had sex in the last 20 years of their 27-year marriage, nor had they exchanged visible signs of affection. In the first individual session the husband made it clear that he wanted out of the relationship, but he didn’t exactly know how to do it. I explained that my bias was to try to save the relationship and that if that was not possible, a healthier divorce would be the worst outcome. The wife clearly was motivated to save the marriage. 

In the first conjoint session I asked them to tell the story of their first meeting and explored the early feelings of strong attraction for each other. I observed closely as the nostalgic memories of romance filled their saddened eyes. Creating a protective atmosphere, in successive sessions, I encouraged each partner to share the story of their marriage, chronologically covering the hurts, disappointments and feelings of betrayal that had not been adequately expressed previously. Within a few short weeks the couple had spontaneously changed from their previously distant seating arrangement to sitting closely on the sofa. At first, they did not follow their assigned homework of increasing intimacy, but with subsequent sessions aimed at understanding the reasons behind the hurtful behavior a breakthrough occurred. After I instructed them not to make love, even if they wanted to, they made love for the first time in many years. The remaining sessions dealt with recommitting themselves to the relationship and u
nderstanding behaviors that led them to distance themselves from one other. 

Clearly, not all therapeutic relationships are that successful. But in the spirit of the new year and new beginnings it promises, I salute those couples who recognize their difficulties and commit themselves to positive intervention.



Norman Araiza is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in SMA. He can be reached at 152-5454 or 2gatos10@cybermatsa.com.mx.  Comments and suggestions for future articles are encouraged.