Sincerely Human
by Norman Araiza, Sept 8, 2006

Jealousy: a disease of the heart

A couple is out for dinner in a nice restaurant. They are nicely dressed. They are both experiencing a feeling of festive excitement as they are led to their table by the host. As they look around the restaurant, noticing the nice décor and other diners, the man becomes aware of a very attractive woman sitting at a table not far from theirs.

She looks at him with an admiring glance and catches his eye. He returns the glance and smiles in return. He experiences a momentary feeling of elation, as he tells himself that the new shirt he’s wearing was a good choice. He looks at his partner and notices a look that he interprets as an indication that something is not right. “Is everything OK?” he asks innocently. “Is this table all right?” he asks in an attempt to understand the reason for her apparent discontent. She responds, “Everything is fine.” He decides to drop it and enjoy his margarita.

As the evening proceeds the man seems very happy, smiling freely, as the margarita is consumed and another is on the way. He notices that his partner is a little quiet, but rather than pursue it, he amuses himself by watching the other people, particularly the woman who smiled at him earlier. After awhile his partner blurts out, “If you don’t stop flirting I’m going to leave!” He’s shocked by the comment. “What have I done?” he asks apologetically. “If you’d rather be with her, I’ll leave, right now!” she says, shooting an angry look at him.

This could be a common scenario among couples in which jealousy is an issue.

Clearly, this is not a reflection of the lack of stability of the relationship. Nor is it a sign of discontent with either party. It can, however, be a recurring theme that may deteriorate the very foundation of the relationship.

Fear of one type or another underlies all forms of jealousy, perhaps fear of abandonment, fear of loss of love, fear of being dishonored, or fear of being shamed by the community. These feelings of fear are usually brought on by some unresolved issues from past relationships.

Often, poor self-esteem expressed as a nagging feeling of being unworthy of such a desirable partner can chip away at the strength of any relationship. If the basis of the jealousy is indeed poor self-esteem, the committed love of a partner might not be adequate to quell this Achilles heel in the relationship. When it is understood that inadequate self-esteem is the basis of the problem, the issue is finally made available for constructive change. Unfortunately, those with poor self-esteem issues usually operate in denial, pointing the finger of blame at their partner’s friendliness, thereby fending off self-incrimination

When poor self-esteem persists into adulthood, intervention in the form of counseling and psychotherapy is almost always necessary. The self-defeating voice in the head must be counteracted and confronted. Exploring the perceived reasons behind the lack of self-esteem is an integral part of this process. Often, the critical self-appraisal inherent in poor self-esteem is grounded in past evaluations that are of little consequence or validity today. Nonetheless, the effects of these early negative self-evaluations tend to linger long after changes have been made to compensate for the harsh judgment.

I believe that our self-image is usually about 5 or even 10 years behind the times. As an example, the high school wallflower who is gangly, awkward and considered an ugly ducking who turns into a beautiful swan of a woman in her twenties may not be aware of the beauty she has become. She may still feel she is everything that she was at 16. In contrast, the same dynamics are at work for the Elizabeth Taylor-type beauty. She had always been a knock-out, and in her mind she still is—although in the last 5 or 10 years she has gained 40 or more pounds and bears little resemblance to her former self. She still struts with that same self-assured attitude she has always had about her looks. In both of these examples, the self-image has not kept up with reality. When issues of poor self-esteem are the driving force behind jealousy, the issue is complicated by the tendency to look for indications that verify the reason for the wandering eye of one’s partner.

Research has shown repeatedly that we find what we look for, meaning that if someone is looking for indications of infidelity he or she will surely find them regardless of the validity of the judgment. Short of finding our partner in the act of infidelity, which is rare, usually an assumption has been made based on hearsay by another person. Any of us who has lived in San Miguel or any other small town for even a short while knows the propensity for gossip and the problems it creates.

As an example, recently a client was seen by a “friend” walking down the street with a very attractive woman. The client stopped briefly, said hello to the friend without introducing the other woman, and continued walking with the attractive lady. Later, when the “friend” was speaking to the client’s girlfriend she asked whether they were having problems. The girlfriend admitted that they were having difficulties, which prompted the “friend” to explain that she had seen the client with a very attractive woman and commented that the client was wasting no time meeting other women, thereby feeding the flames of jealousy. As it turned out, the attractive woman was a real estate salesperson and they were innocently in the process of looking at property.

This probably would not have been an issue if jealousy was not a problem in their relationship. But when someone is thought of as a flirt, assumptions are made based on limited information that can have dire consequences. Mark Twain said, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”

I have known clients who have attempted to deal with their insecurity and jealousy by making a point of choosing less attractive or less desirable partners for fear that someone better may lure a more desirable person away. Obviously, the answer is not to choose unattractive or less-desirable people, who are just as likely to stray as more desirable people.

There is really only one solution to jealousy in a relationship: talking about it. I’m not referring to pointing blame, but rather to talking to your partner about your feelings of insecurity, your feelings of fear of losing him or her and your need for greater confidence in the relationship. The answer to what would add to a person’s confidence in the relationship may not be immediately apparent. But with recurring talks focusing on positive aspects of the relationship, small changes can lead to greater payoffs for both. In my experience as a marriage counselor, the problem wasn’t that most couples I saw were poor communicators, but rather they just didn’t communicate. They didn’t devote sufficient, regular and uninterrupted time to talk. Probably there are unmet needs that are not being expressed by the jealous person—needs for appreciation, needs for assurance and needs for commitment.

Instead of “You never tell me how important I am to you,” it is more productive to say, “I need to hear you say how important I am to you.” Remember, it’s not about what your partner does that makes you jealous. It’s about communicating how you feel when your partner does those things.

Unfortunately, most couples avoid looking at and doing something about the problems that exist in their relationship until it has reached a point of crisis, exemplified by flirting, jealousies, lack of passion or lack of common interests, to name a few. When these problems are finally addressed, it’s commonly done in the form of an accusation or blame, thereby eliciting defensive or uncooperative behavior.

If jealousy is an issue in your relationship, clearly defined expectations of behavior should be discussed. Not only do the expectations need to be clarified, but the willingness of your partner to meet those expectations should be established.

In conclusion, overcoming jealousy is about seizing control of your mind and the things you tell yourself. Sharing this very intimate problem with your partner, as opposed to blaming him or her for your feelings, is the first step in taking your relationship to a higher level.

Norman Araiza, M.A. is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in San Miguel. He welcomes feedback and can be reached at 152-5449 or nearaiza@hotmail.com.