Sincerely Human
By Norman Araiza, M.A.

Loneliness: a too-common condition of the heart

Of all the articles I’ve written for this paper, none has been more gut-wrenching for me than this one. Maybe it’s because the subject matter is of such a personal nature that the issue is difficult to address. Maybe it’s because the idea of loneliness conjures up judgments of personal failure. No matter how successful people are in all other areas of life, inherent in the feeling of loneliness lies the judgment that they have somehow failed in their ability to draw adequate relationships into their lives.

But the issue isn’t that simple. There are many reasons for loneliness. Topping the list is the issue of choice. In my practice over the years, I have seen many people who describe themselves as “loners,” as if they belong to a select group of genetically predisposed individuals who are nearly always alone. My response is always similar. I don’t believe there is such a group of people who are “loners” by nature—there are only those people who make themselves alone. Loneliness is a subject that no one likes to talk about. We all would like to pretend it doesn’t exist, but, it is becoming more prevalent. 

Sociologists say it is a major problem of modern times. But, why now? Well, if you compare the lifestyles of people as recently as the beginning of the last century, families were typically larger and very few people lived alone. Those who did were often labeled misfits, hermits or other, less-attractive terms. Now, fast-forward 100 years, and by 1995 we have 24 million people living alone in the US. In 1998, over a quarter of the US population lived in single-family households. By 2010, it is estimated that number will rise to 31 million, an astonishing figure. Of course, not all of those people are lonely.

So, what is loneliness? At times, for all of us being alone is a kind of luxury. We refer to this as solitude. Choosing to be alone for a short while is different from loneliness. Loneliness is unwanted solitude. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness or hollowness inside. It’s a feeling of being isolated from the world around you. Different people feel it in different ways and to varying degrees. For example, women complain of loneliness more readily than men. But men report perceiving loneliness with a greater intensity than women. Research tells us that for some reason men who express loneliness are judged more harshly than women who express the same emotion. I guess gender equality is still a long way off.

For some, loneliness is a vague feeling that something is not right, a kind of minor void inside one’s being. One client of mine recently described her discomfort “as if something is missing deep inside me, a vacuum.” At the time, she was unaware that what she was feeling was loneliness. Many of us are in denial about our loneliness, which places it out of reach of improvement. As a result, this symptom is often misinterpreted as physical hunger, so the person may attempt to fill the void with food. Loneliness is in fact a hunger, but filling your body with food will only distract you temporarily from the real hunger for meaningful interactions. For others, loneliness is a sense of intense deprivation and deep pain that can emanate from any area of the body.

Over the years I have seen many clients, referred to me by physicians, whose complaints or symptoms ranged from obesity, severe gastrointestinal disorders and asthma to, in more recent times, fibromyalgia and other forms of neuralgia. At the base of their physical maladies lay loneliness.

Whether we admit it or not, we are all by nature gregarious individuals. Undisturbed by some unfortunate event that leads us to make decisions to the contrary, we will benefit from regular personal involvements with others. So, why do some people make themselves alone? Many people I have seen have lost their faith in their fellow humans. They have been so hurt, disappointed, rejected and betrayed that they have come to the decision that the best way to protect themselves from a reoccurrence is to limit further involvements with others. One client recently told me, “People are no damn good. It’s as simple as that!” As a result, they don’t seek people out. What has really occurred is that they have grown to accept their loneliness, thinking that as long as they aren’t aware of their loneliness they are OK. The truth is that we require social interaction and stimulation. Research on social deprivation indicates that in time we create interactions with hallucinated characters and the boundaries between sanity and 
insanity become blurred.

It is not only the mind that is affected by prolonged loneliness—the body tells the story as well. In the last 30 years there has been a great deal of research on the physical effects of loneliness. Vitally more important than just the sensation of emptiness we might feel from loneliness is the fact that chronic loneliness is a serious, life-threatening condition. It is a major risk factor in arterial erosion; high blood pressure and stress-related conditions such as heart disease, hypertension, obesity and stroke are often the body’s reaction to chronic loneliness. The University of Chicago found that loneliness can add 30 points to a blood pressure reading for adults over age 50.

We further know that those who live alone—the single, divorced and widowed—have premature death rates from 2 to 10 times higher than those of individuals who live with others. Living alone doesn’t necessarily produce loneliness, but it is often related. Suicide occurs five times more frequently in those living alone than in married people; fatal car accidents occur four times as often to those alone than to married people. People who live alone visit physicians’ offices more frequently, and they stay in hospitals twice as long for the same illnesses as those who do not live alone.

Now, this is not to say that loneliness is only a symptom of those living alone. Married couples can be just as troubled by loneliness as others.

They are just less willing to admit it or to do something about it.

Among couples I have worked with almost none mentioned loneliness as the presenting problem, but frequently it was the lack of intimacy or the inability for the couple to connect in a meaningful way that I interpreted as a sense of loneliness. As relationships age, many couples fail to interact positively. They give fewer and fewer positive strokes to each other. Their involvements may deteriorate to little more than maintenance issues.

Now that I have depressed even the most cheery of my readers, let me remind you that loneliness can be avoided with creative forethought. Rarely, however, can it be avoided passively. This means action on your part is called for. The first step in healing from any emotional condition is to express the emotion. Breaking through your own denial and admitting it to yourself can be very difficult to do. But as with all feelings, once they are expressed they tend to go away, or at least they can be handled more effectively. This means you have to find some way of expressing your loneliness. Writing about it in a diary or a letter that you send to no one, or even writing a poem or a song about loneliness, is an excellent way of expressing your feelings—and the action itself can be very healing. Expressing our feelings might lead to the discovery of a number of things that might be connected to our feelings of loneliness, including anger, sadness or frustration. It might lead us to begin to see where these feelings 
are coming from and to make changes. If the reason for our loneliness is the loss of a loved one, which we can do nothing about, expressing the feeling openly to ourselves helps us get on the other side of the feeling and begin to move forward with the rest of our lives.

If loneliness is an issue, recognize that you are not the only person who is having this problem. The reality is that loneliness is all too common in our town. It may be because few expats have family here to visit. That means we are left with each other. For couples, dinner parties occur every night of the week. You merely have to meet one friendly couple, which can easily be done by volunteering at the Biblioteca’s Sunday House & Garden Tour, for instance. Getting an invitation can be as easy as inviting a couple to your house for drinks or dinner.

The prospect for singles, however, is a bit more challenging. I know of no network that exists for singles that compares to the dinner circuits that abound for couples. If I’m out of the know, which can certainly be the case, and one does exist, please inform me. Nonetheless, fortunately we live in a community where loneliness is a passive choice. Our great city offers classes for nearly every type of interest. Classes are a wonderful opportunity to meet like-minded individuals in a comfortable setting. We also have an opportunity to volunteer in a number of activities that reach appreciative, well-deserving individuals and groups. Joining a club or a group is a nonthreatening way to make contact with others. Getting involved in a club or activity can help you focus on something other than your loneliness, and it can remind you of how much you used to enjoy activities that you’ve let fall to the wayside. It can also provide structure and give us something to look forward to. An added bonus is that we may real
ize that we genuinely enjoy the group activity whether we are lonely or not.

I’ve been prompted to begin the first of a series of Mature Singles Social Groups for divorced or widowed singles and others. I’m proposing that it be held weekly. The first meeting will take place on Wednesday, October 11, from 7 till 9pm at Santa Domingo 86, across from the Puertecita Hotel in Atascadero. Please bring beverages or finger food for six. If you are single and over 40, you are welcome. This is not a stateside body-shop-type affair but an informal opportunity for singles to make contact with one another. For more information, call 152-5449. 

Some of us can will ourselves to action that may ameliorate our condition. Others of us may need a helping hand. I like the quote “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”


Norman Araiza is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in San Miguel. He can be reached at 152-5449 nearaiza@hotmail.com . Comments on the content and value of his articles are encouraged.