Getting better, not just older!
By Norman Araiza (May 19, 2006)

It has probably occurred to every one of us that we live in a community of individuals who would have no problem getting the senior discount at most any theater. Along with that advantage, and a few others sprinkled about, there are some privileges we can enjoy for getting to this point. There are however, characteristics of people in this age group that can make their lives and the lives of those around them considerably less enjoyable. As you read these characteristics, bear in mind that I'm certainly not referring to you, my dear readers, but rather to those others who we may have the displeasure of hearing or seeing or being affected by.

The first characteristic I want to discuss is so common that it is largely accepted by the general public: irascibility. Irascibility may be understood using three words that include the cause as well as define the condition: "grumpy old men" or "grumpy old women"! It's as simple as that. I could use other terms, like irritable, angry, short-tempered, mean-spirited, fault-finding or negative, to name a few. But I think you get the idea. "Irascibility" is a clinical term that describes a symptom of the normal aging process that we refer to as menopause for women and andropause for men. This characteristic is a result of hormonal changes in the brain that occur quite naturally. I do not mean to imply that this is to be expected and accepted, nor is it unavoidable or irreversible. What it is, is common and not fun for anyone.

Hormonal changes occur at different times for different people, but in general these changes begin as early as 40. This symptom develops slowly. In fact, it occurs so slowly that many of us fail to see it occurring. Others may see it more easily in us than we do, and we may see it in others more readily than they see it in themselves. But, as with all symptoms, awareness is the first step in treatment or controlling this life-debilitating symptom. Some may elect to treat this condition with hormone replacement therapy; albeit controversial, it can be very effective in alleviating symptoms. For the rest of us, behavioral medicine can be equally effective. More about this later.

The next symptom is perhaps not quite as common in general but appears to be a common symptom of the over-50 crowd: compulsive or incessant talking. There is comparatively little research on this subject, but we have all been victims of people with this malady. These are the overinformed individuals among us who are so full of themselves, or information, I should say, that they feel compelled to tell us about it ad nauseum. I'm referring to those people that can go on and on for hours with hardly taking a breath. The only way to have an exchange with them is to make quick comments (please-not questions!) interspersed when you are able. Those with this condition seem only to be interested in your ability to listen or at least to provide a target for their blabberings. This affliction can occur at any age, but it seems much more prevalent in later years. The reason, I believe, is that in childhood years incessant talking is just not allowed. Parents, family members and teachers confront this behavior strongly. 
In later years, however, people notice it but are reticent to confront it directly, and it goes unchecked.

Often, it is exacerbated by another condition known commonly as being a control freak. These individuals must have read something about leadership qualities at an early age and never got over it. Control freaks know intuitively how things should be done, and they want everyone to do things the way they think they should be done. Paul Simon's song "Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover" holds little validity for control freaks. For them, there is really only one way to do anything-their way. It is as though they are better at making decisions than the rest of us, and so they have no problem telling us how we should have done something or other. Or how we should do this or that. When we are driving with them in a car, they make a habit of telling us the best way to get somewhere. 

Control freaks can't help it, or so it seems.

Those control freaks in relationships tend to tell their spouses or partners what they want done, without explaining how they want it done until after the fact, and complain when the task was not performed satisfactorily. This is very frustrating, to say the least, for those living with a control freak. To my knowledge, there has been little, if any, research on this common behaviour. 

Next in my list of common, unhealthy characteristics of the mature set is rigidity. There are those among us who have difficulty with change of any type. Their common lament is "that's the way it was and we liked it that way." It is a fact of science that as we age we do tend to become less limber and flexible, both mentally and physically. Fortunately for us, we have a number of yoga studios and exercise options that can be very helpful in postponing the loss of physical flexibility. Yet, even in advocates of Hatha Yoga, mental rigidity may be a lurking problem. New behaviors and new or different people and attitudes are not welcomed by the rigid personality. Unforeseen yet necessary changes to plans grate harshly on this personality. Intellectually, the rigid person is aware of the fact that the only thing constant is change. But, they don't like it and they will fight it, or at least complain about it.

Last in my collection of infamous habits or traits of the elderly is what I refer to as the "dogmatic personality." This is the person who believes he or she is right and will argue, regardless of the amount of evidence presented to the contrary. In social settings, many people may disagree with an expressed view. They just keep it to themselves. In contrast, the dogmatic personality feels compelled to argue over it. Perhaps this is just a different shade of the "rigid" personality I described above; nonetheless, it falls into the same category of obnoxious traits of the aged. 

Perhaps we should learn from the dinosaurs and adapt or perish! It is very stressful to be rigid and resistant to change. It is going against nature. We all know what happens when you do that. Quite naturally, our bodies go into a defensive mental posture whenever we recognize something with which we are not in accord. Why put the body through the stress?

It is not as if we wake up one morning and we have adopted these characteristics. They arrive slowly, unconsciously. Maybe it begins by listening to others with the malady and it gets recorded in our brains. If we do not consciously reject the attitudes of others, we are in danger of being influenced and may exhibit the behavior quite naturally. Each time we exhibit the behavior and win the attention of others, it is reinforced, and we increase the chances it will reoccur. Anyone can be a critic. It's easy to find fault. If you are not going to change the very thing that you are critical of, then keep it to yourself!

While these characteristics may seem laughable in our neighbors, they are without a doubt associated with a poor quality of life and are debilitating.

The foreign community of San Miguel is undoubtedly a notch above the mentality of most communities in terms of awareness and autonomy. Still, these other described qualities and characteristics abound here, just as in all retirement communities. While these are common pitfalls of the mature set, they are in no way unavoidable. We don't have to give in to our negative tendencies, no matter how natural it may feel. Through courageous self-examination, honest discussions with friends and keen awareness, we can begin to catch ourselves exhibiting these qualities that make us less than the people we are capable of being.

If you suspect that you may exhibit at least a tendency toward these qualities, I encourage you to ask your friends if they have seen this tendency in you. Even if you do nothing about it, it will surely enhance your friends' estimation of you just for bringing it up. Most everyone is interested in self-growth, but few make a sincere, concerted, expressed and organized effort to follow through. The journey is usually entertaining and addictive.

Begin by being aware of the voice in your head. Listen to what it says. Pay attention to the complaining, the ridiculing and the judging and anything you say that doesn't make you feel good. Replace the negative thought by finding the positive side to the object of your disapproval. Everything has positive and negative valances connected to it. It's the nature of things. How you are affected by those valances is a matter of your perception-what you choose to see or listen to that goes on in your head. Make a concerted effort to count the frequency of those negative thoughts as they occur. Write the number of occurrences on a calendar for each day for a week. Each day you do this it gets easier. At the end of the week, total the incidents.

The following week, make a concerted effort to not express the judgment, criticism or negative thought, but be aware of it. Compare your scores at the end of the week. If you have measurably reduced the incidents, find some way of rewarding yourself. It is also helpful to notify others of your awareness of your negative habits and your commitment to decreasing them. In this way, not only are you eliciting your friends' passive assistance, because they will be curious about your progress, but your sharing will be an intimate act, opening the door for a deeper relationship.

If I've whetted your appetite for self-growth tidbits, make a personal commitment to practice tolerance and acceptance in your daily life. As you go about your day, look for the joy that is everywhere in our fair city and acknowledge it, if only to yourself. Remember that life, for most all of us, has never been more free and easy. If you choose to take on these exercises, the rewards you will receive will be immeasurable.


Norman Araiza, M.A. is an American-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in San Miguel. He can be reached at 152-5449 or nearaiza@hotmail.com.