Well-Being
By Norman Araiza, July 28, 2006


The voices in our heads

Each of us has a voice in his or her head. We know that voice well, because we hear it every day. For some of us, it is like having a good friend with us at all times—encouraging us, guiding us, pointing out the humorous side of life. For others, it is like having a nagging parent trapped in our heads who follows us around and never leaves us alone. The voice tells us what to do, and we do it. If we don’t, we are in conflict or we feel guilty. It gives us direction. It tells us which way to go. It scolds us when we are wrong.

Most of us are slaves to the voices in our heads. Uncontrolled, the voice can literally drive us crazy. The voice is actually a result of our mental programming that we accepted, or at least did not consciously reject, when we were very young. Of course, the voice in our head is our thoughts. Some of those thoughts we say out loud in speech. Others we keep to ourselves. The editor in our head controls what is said and what is thought. Some of us have very critical editors that allow us to say little. These may be the quiet ones among us.
 
Others of us could use a bit stronger editor. We say too much.
The late Eric Berne believed the voices were expressions of three parts of ourselves he called the Parent, the Adult and the Child. He called these “ego states” because they represented the different states of the ego or of consciousness. The voice in our head is always expressing one of the ego states. When it is the Parent, it is either critical or nurturing. We can feel good, cared for or praised when the nurturing parent is speaking. Or, when the critical parent is being expressed, we feel bad because we have disappointed our internal critical Parent. When we are thinking, analyzing, assessing or problem-solving it is the Adult ego state being expressed. The Adult does not feel—it only thinks. It’s the computer in our head. It isn’t much fun, because fun is the responsibility of the Child ego state. The Child ego state is all feelings. It feels good and healthy, or it feels bad and rebellious. The Child ego state is really where we live. The Child feels loved and happy, or it feels sad, lonely and angry. It reacts to the Parent voice in our heads or the Parent in someone else’s head.

Through awareness and by identifying these parts of the self we can learn to control our thoughts and, ultimately, how we feel. We react to our thoughts with feelings. It is as though we are in our Child listening to our Parent. 

We can learn to control the voice so it tells us only what we want to hear and thereby control our feelings to have mostly positive feelings.

Try this little experiment the next time you are having a feeling that you are not enjoying. When you are aware of the feeling, ask yourself this question: What is going on here? Then answer the question. To answer the question, you must start thinking. When you are thinking rationally and logically in an attempt to understand what is going on, you necessarily cathect your Adult ego state, your Adult that only thinks. The result is that you feel better immediately because you aren’t feeling.

I’m not suggesting that one should ignore feelings. Feelings are essential. They are the essence of you. I am suggesting, however, that we can learn to control our feelings by controlling our thoughts. Awareness is everything. When the voice tells you something that you don’t want to hear or that will cause you to feel bad, confront it as B.S. Before you react to it with a feeling, replace that thought with a sentence you prefer to hear, then react to that thought with a feeling that makes you feel good. It’s just that simple, but it is a new skill for many of us, and that takes awareness and practice in order to integrate it into our thought patterns.

This idea of controlling our thoughts, and thereby controlling our feelings, is one of the powerful tenets behind a form of psychotherapy known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This form of therapy teaches that through awareness we can train ourselves to listen to what we choose to hear. We can learn to control the voices in our heads telling us what the Adult knows to be true and correct and what we want to believe about ourselves. Even if what we choose to listen to is not yet correct about us, research has shown that with repeated use of affirmations we will begin to believe what we are telling ourselves and that we can ultimately change our behavior.
Positive affirmations are simply positive expressions, slogans and statements about ourselves that are true or that we are in the process of becoming. The most famous affirmation goes like this: “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.” Affirmations have been used for centuries to counteract the negative voices in our heads that influence us so poorly. Affirmations are most effective when written by you, specifically addressing the needed change in your thinking. They should always be expressed in a positive mode, affirming what you need to believe.

In my own life, I used affirmations very effectively to counteract messages I received from my high-school counselor when I asked him whether I could take college prep classes. 

He said to me—and I’ll never forget—“You just aren’t college material, Norman. Who do you know that ever went to college? You will be better off being a welder like your father.” It wasn’t until I was 26 years old, had bought my second home, employed 12 people in three hair styling salons and had been awarded the Army’s Meritorious Instructors Award that I had the courage and confidence to confront my high-school counselor’s admonition and entered college as a freshman, with great trepidation and doubting my ability to do college work. I wrote this affirmation: “I have all the intelligence needed as well as the drive to accomplish anything I put my mind to.” It worked like magic. I repeated it to myself many times every day until I graduated summa cum laude.

Many years later, when I was conducting a workshop titled “Adventures in Self-Esteem,” I suggested to the participants that they write on a small piece of paper, like a fortune cookie message, an affirmation specific to an issue, such as “I have all that I need to accomplish all that I want.” Or, “I am unique and loveable and I can get my needs met.” I asked them to place the affirmation at prominent locations in their home, such as on their bathroom mirrors, taped above the kitchen sink or on the rear-view mirrors of their cars. 

With continued attention and recitation, the voices in their heads changed, and so did their self-esteem.

Humans have been trying to quiet the voices in their heads since the development of language. Some say we can never quiet the voice, but we can learn to control what the voice says. The only way to quiet the voice, according to many, is through meditation. Meditation is simply the process of focusing our attention on one thing. Some forms of meditation use mantras, a word or a phrase recited repeatedly in order to quiet the internal voice. Prayer originally was very similar. In Christ’s day, people prayed by repeating phrases, such as “Lord grant me peace,” continuously for as much as 20 minutes or so. Without going into detail at this point, this may be a clue to the power of prayer. But, that is another article. By quieting the voice, it in fact gave them peace. Another attempt to quiet the internal voice involves using the “third eye,” reputedly located at the center of the forehead, on which to focus attention. It is this state of focused attention and the benefits achieved from it that powers clinical hypnosis.

I believe that by confronting and rejecting the negative ideation that starts in our heads and by controlling the voices so that they say what we want to hear, our life is dramatically improved. Furthermore, by learning to quiet the voice and achieve deep levels of consciousness, while at the same time having the wherewithal to visualize the process of achieving and fulfilling those goals, we harness the power of our minds and can control our destinies. I cannot overstate the importance and power behind this process. Every successful person throughout history has done this, consciously or unconsciously.

Unfortunately, there are those who unwittingly visualize their failure in the form of worry. Remember that “Worry = Failure in Rehearsal” and “What we think about, comes about.”

Wise men throughout history have pointed the way. Nothing is new under the sun. Old truths are told differently.

Norman Araiza, M.A. is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in San Miguel. He can be reached at 152-5449 or nearaiza@hotmail.com.