Sincerely Human
By Norman Araiza, M.A, Dec 15, 2006

The power of self

Isn’t it a shame that our eyes only peer outward? Would we be the same people we are today if our eyes looked inward—if we could see ourselves as others see us? Would we behave as we do? For the 30 years that I have worked with couples, almost invariably they come in complaining about their partners’ habits, attitudes and faults. Most of them want their partners to be different from the way they are. They want them to be more helpful, more loving, more considerate, less angry, less demanding, more what they are not, less what they are. A client of mine comically points out that when a woman meets a man she wants to rearrange his furniture first, then change his clothes and finally she wants to change the man himself. Obviously, this impulse is not limited to women. Most of us love our partners as they are—but if only they were a little different in some areas….

When there are problems in our relationships, most of us want our partners to change. Few of us think about how we want to change ourselves to improve the relationship. My response in this case is nearly always the same: You can’t change them. You can only change yourself. When I say that to clients, I see the frustration in their eyes. They don’t want to hear it. At some level, they know this is true, but few people take it to heart. Most of us harbor a fantasy that if our partners love us enough they will change for us, without our needing to do anything more than complain to them frequently enough about their behavior. The truth is, we can’t change anyone else—only ourselves. For some reason, that is one of the hardest lessons to learn. It’s one of the facts of life that we just will not accept. We may understand it intellectually, but we just don’t get it practically. That doesn’t mean that all is lost. 

As a trained family therapist, I use Family Systems Theory as an invaluable tool to understand relationships and families. It is based on a set of ideas that all relationships are functioning systems whether they are enjoyable or painful, healthy or unhealthy. Some systems function well, in which each person in the system gets his or her needs met adequately. These systems can be thought of as healthy systems. Other systems function poorly or are unhealthy, meaning that some or all members of the system do not get their needs met adequately.

I like to think of families or relationships as a set of gears. One gear turns one way and the other gear turns the other way. We can think of it as synchronicity. Whether it serves a healthy function, or members of the system are happy with it or not, is beside the point. Regardless, the system continues to function until a significant change occurs that disrupts it. One person turns clockwise, and the person involved with him or her necessarily must turn counter-clockwise. If there is a third person in the system, that person must turn in conjunction with the other two. The system continues, healthy or not, whether their needs are met adequately or not.

In order for a system to improve, one member of the system must realize that the system is unhealthy. One might think that this is simple. You are either happy in the relationship or you are not. Yet, most unhealthy relationships continue to function for years before one of the partners admits that he or she cannot continue the way things are. Up to this point, one or both partners complained and got angry, which turned into arguments as each person defended his or her position. People fight to be right, to stay as they are, to prove their partners are wrong. When this occurs, of course, they both lose.

Family Systems Theory states that you can only change yourself. But, when you change, your partner will change. This is often where most couples need the assistance of a professional. Enter the relationship or marriage counselor. It is hoped that the therapist has the skills to identify the unhealthy parts of the particular system and can design interventions that will bring about the desired effect. The challenge for the therapist at this crucial point is to lead each partner to decide how he or she is willing to change and predict how his or her partner will change positively in response to the new behavior. 

Let’s go back to my earlier analogy of a set of gears. When one partner changes the direction he or she has been turning—stops certain behaviors and attitudes and/or adopts new ones—the gears will clash. The old system will fall apart. Usually, for a short period of time, things may feel worse in the relationship, while the couple attempts to deal with the new changes until a new, healthier system develops. The adjunct group to Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, is based on this idea. When the partner of the alcoholic stops making excuses for the alcoholic’s behavior, stops solving the problems created by the partner’s drinking, many times the alcoholic realizes the seriousness of the problem and seeks help or stops drinking. When this happens a new system is created. Both gears are now turning in a new direction, and a healthier system is beginning to function.

All of this occurs because one person begins to look at his or her own behavior in response to the partner’s behavior. It all begins with self. We have the power to change our world if we will only change ourselves. This doesn’t have to be a difficult process, nor must one have a partner to enjoy the power of change. In truth, this process can be very uplifting and stimulating, and the support of a therapist leads them to discover strengths they have not exercised in the past. The process of personal growth and the decision inherent in this process can lift a person out of the doldrums of their former existence into a world of new awareness and new relationships with the self and others as well.

There was a time in my career when I sometimes put people through a process I called “The Magic Shop,” whereby I would invite a participant to enter my virtual shop where I only sold things of a personal nature. “What are you looking for today?” I would ask them.

After a while, they would get the idea and ask for things such as knowledge or wisdom. “So you want to know things and understand life, is that correct?” I would ask. “What are you willing to give me for that?” I would ask. Usually, they would want to give me money in exchange for what they wanted. “I’ve got plenty of money,” I would say. “People are always asking for money, so I keep plenty in stock. No, you can’t buy knowledge or wisdom with money,” I’d tell them. Through the negotiation process, I would lead them to realize they could only buy knowledge and wisdom with time and focused attention. Some people were willing to pay the price, others were not. Likewise, people often came into the “Magic Shop” wanting more love. I would explain to them that I keep plenty of love in the back room because someone is always looking for love. When I would ask them what they were willing to give me for love, I would only make a deal with them if they were willing to give love first, and in return they would get love.

Many people were interested in buying self-confidence, which can only be bought with time and commitment to reprogram the voice in your head. 

The most difficult customers were those customers who didn’t know what they were looking for. I called them “window shoppers.” They were only looking at what there was to buy. They didn't know what they wanted. What they needed was decisiveness, which could only be bought by giving up their fear. The lesson of the Magic Shop is that we hold on to qualities of self that prevent us from attaining the very qualities we hope to have. When we give up those negative qualities of self, positive qualities develop in their place quite naturally. 

Recently, I had lunch with a set of dear friends, one of whom has had a long history of disappointing relationships. Anyone who knows her knows that she would love to have a life companion. She is a beautiful woman with a kind and giving nature. She’s highly energetic with a lust for life. Her only flaw is a habit of incessant talking. 

She talked so much about herself during lunch that the rest of us could share little about our lives. If she could only learn to give up that incessant need to talk about herself, her life partner will find her. I’m sure as she reads this she’ll hate me for this, but I hope she’ll know that it comes from a place of love, deep in my heart, with a sincere wish that she find that for which she yearns. 

It all begins with self. We are either our best friends or we are not. We keep ourselves from having everything in life that we want but that seems out of reach. I believe we always find ourselves exactly where we need to be for our stage of growth.

I hear time and again how people can’t change—particularly in their later years. If I thought that were true, I would have given up my life’s work many years ago. On the contrary, I have seen previously ignorant, undisciplined people who late in life earn advanced college degrees. I’ve known lifelong thieves who have seen the error of their ways and become honest men with great integrity. I’ve watched men imprisoned for selling drugs go on to become executive vice presidents of major corporations. I’ve witnessed those with dangerously poor self-esteem develop the confidence to teach classes on acquiring healthy self-esteem. But it doesn’t come easily. It requires a firm, unyielding decision with daily follow-up and keen attention to our inner selves. But the rewards are worth it, at any time in life.

Our fair city is home to many artists and those who appreciate art. Artists are people who create external products for others to enjoy. A popular myth is that artists are but a chosen few who are able to create things of beauty from the materials they have at hand. 

Well, I believe we are all artists as we create ourselves from those materials we are given. I think the highest form of art is that which we create within ourselves—our inner selves that others may enjoy. Ask yourself what kind of art have you created within yourself that others may enjoy. What kind of art might you still create, if only you would try? 


Norman Araiza, MA is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in SMA. He can be reached at (new number) 152-5454 or 2gatos10@cybermatsa.com.mx.  Comments and suggestions for future articles are encouraged.