Well-Being
By Norman Araiza, August 18, 2006


The eternal quest for happiness

Happiness: the eternal quest! It’s the goal of every human being. But what is happiness? It is many things to many people. One thing that all definitions of happiness include is the idea of satisfaction. Satisfaction is usually associated with goal achievement. When we reach a goal we feel good. We have been successful at accomplishing that to which we committed ourselves. So, are we happy? Maybe we are happy momentarily. Yet, some of the most accomplished people I know are not necessarily the happiest people I know. I think happiness is a skill. If we don’t learn it at a young age, it is harder to learn as we get older. Sadly, many equate happiness with buying things. We can all relate to the rush we get from finding and buying an object of our desire. Sometimes it’s wonderful. Is that happiness? Or is it merely a distraction from our lack of it?

For those who know, happiness is found everywhere they look for it. Maybe that’s a clue. Most of us don’t look for it, but we get angry because we have lost it. Many search for happiness with a plan: “let’s see—first I get my degree, then I get a good job, then the wife and kids and the big house, and then I’ll be happy. Or: “When I retire, then I’ll be happy.” But do they look for it? Many take it for granted that when they have accomplished this or that, they will be happy. I call this postponing happiness. At the risk of sounding trite, we all know that happiness is found in every blossoming flower and every buzzing bee—nature abounds with it. When you look for it, you will find happiness everywhere.

Happiness only occurs here and now. It can’t be found in thinking of the past. Whatever joy you may receive from a brief memory is lost when you return to the present. Then, you feel worse as you realize it is not real and is only a distraction. The future is a fantasy you create. It can be thought of as masturbation for the soul. The only reality to be found there is what we tell ourselves now, at this moment. Unfortunately, many people do not tell themselves what they want to hear. Their minds are so undisciplined that they are out of control. They react to what their minds are saying. They repeatedly listen to things that make them feel bad.

The human mind is much like a computer. It can only express that which has been programmed. It’s the old G.I.G.O.: Garbage In, Garbage Out. Unless we begin the process of reprogramming ourselves, we will be slaves to the old programming—and feel accordingly. There are many ways to begin the process of reprogramming ourselves. First, we have to realize the flaws in our programming. That is, we must identify the statements that we’ve accepted about ourselves that are just b.s. Every time we react to the flawed programming by feeling bad, we must confront it and replace it with what we know to be true and correct information about who we are, our capabilities and who we are becoming.

The problem is that most of us take as gospel whatever thoughts come to mind. We just accept the thoughts as if they come from some higher authority. This is because originally the thoughts did come from some higher authority—usually our parents or some other significant figure when we were quite young and could not think clearly for ourselves. At that time, we were grasping at any and all information in an attempt to make sense of the world in which we found ourselves. We have been reacting to that information all of our lives as though it were gospel. The truth is that our parents were doing the best they could at the time. However, that does not mean that what we learned from them about who we are and our capabilities was necessarily right. Many of the clients I see are still reacting to the erroneous messages they received from others about themselves. And they buried themselves with the b.s. For many of us, therapy means digging ourselves out of the b.s. and rediscovering who we truly are or can be.

There are no experts at raising children. It’s interesting to me that there seem to be two areas of human functioning that most people feel they are experts at by virtue of being born: making love and child rearing. Have you ever heard someone say they don’t know much about sex or lovemaking? Or admit that they are a poor lover? Likewise, most people raise their children the way they were raised, as if it were the best possible way. I believe if we do not get some assistance or read about either of these two things we will probably botch the job.

Let me return to our eternal quest: happiness. Happiness is a frame of mind. It’s a reaction to some event, an awareness or thought that is heralded by a sincere smile. Practice this exercise. Stop what you are doing. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Now, in your mind’s eye, see yourself grinning at an event of your choosing that will elicit a smile. A sincere smile is all we need to experience a sense of happiness. That smile is the momentary expression of happiness. It really doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that. Many of us seem to treat smiles like currency, as though expressing them costs money. We just can’t afford to give a lot of smiles away. However, the more we smile at others, the more smiles we get back. Happiness is found in the moment. We either recognize it by looking for it and acknowledging it when we feel it, or we don’t and we miss it. This simple act of looking for happiness, allowing it to be felt and acknowledging it to ourselves and others can make the difference between experiencing joy and not. Sometimes, it’s hard to find what we don’t look for.

Many single clients have told me that if they do not have someone to share their happiness with they somehow don’t experience it in the same way. This is a form of codependence—depending on another to feel joy. The truth is that happiness is a very private thing that doesn’t need to be shared, if it is allowed and acknowledged. I’ve had codependent clients that may look at a beautiful sunset and say, “Gee, Harold would love this sunset,” as if by not having Harold with them the sunset is less enjoyable. It isn’t Harold that makes a sunset beautiful. It’s the individual allowing him- or herself to experience the joy of the sunset. Experiment with this behavior. Tell yourself you are going to find happiness today. Then go through your day as usual but really look for happiness. Look for it everywhere, but do not make the mistake of looking outward. It is only found by looking inward. When you think you’ve found happiness, allow yourself to feel it, say to yourself, “I’m really happy right now!” Allow yourself to feel as though you have just found something for which you have been searching for a long time. Once you find it, make the experience indelible in your mind, so that the next time you look for it, it will be easier to find. Like I said, happiness is a skill that some of us develop. We must recognize it when we permit it to be there. Some people wouldn’t know happiness if it jumped up and bit them in the face. They just aren’t programmed for it. Others realize that happiness is there like air is there. Few of us respect the air and cherish it as the necessity it is. Happiness is the same. I have been trying to help people find their happiness for 30 years. What I’ve learned is how people keep themselves from being happy.

The top 10 ways people keep themselves from being happy are by: 1. comparing themselves to other people; 2. accepting and believing what they have been told about themselves; 3. not being true to themselves; 4. thinking that happiness is found through other people; 5. focusing on meeting neurotic needs; 6. not asserting themselves; 7. not asking for what they want; 8. not learning from past mistakes; 9. not expressing emotions; and 10. having unverbalized expectations. Another way of looking at happiness is as though it were a muscle. If we exercise that muscle, it gets stronger. The stronger the muscle, the better we are supported by it. If we don’t exercise the muscle, it gets weaker and atrophies. Unfortunately, not all people choose to exercise their happiness muscle. As some around us lose the strength in their happiness muscle, we are all affected by their weakness. Of course, you can choose to continue as you have been and no one will know the difference. Or you can make a commitment to yourself to find the joy daily for just a week or so. Then compare before and after and see whether the search was worth the work. 

Norman Araiza, M.A. is a US-trained psychotherapist enjoying a limited practice in SMA. He can be reached at 152-5449 or email: nearaiza@hotmail.com.