The art of word-mongering
By Charles Miller

Many years ago when I was a boy in high school, a friend turned up to visit one weekend bringing with him a new board game. We were all excited; remember this was in the days before video games or computers. Board games were how we filled the weekends when we could not afford 25-cent-a-gallon gas to go cruising in the family station wagon.

We all gathered round the table for the traditional reading of the rules and instructions prior to our playing a new game for the first time. The rules described the playing board, a map overlaid with a pattern of hexagons and said that these would be referred to as “squares.”

That was the point at which the trouble began. I just could not abide some obviously semiliterate instruction-book writer referring to hexagons as squares. Who ever heard of a geometric square with six sides? I insisted that if it was okay to arbitrarily redefine the definition of “square” that we should not stop there. Why not redefine the meaning of words such as “move,” “roll” and “dice,” as well as “win” and “lose?”

The game itself was actually challenging and well designed, but the dimwit writer who decided to call those hexagons squares ruined it for me.

I have noted some other instances, this time in the world of computers, where some folks have taken liberties that should make Noah Webster turn over in his grave.

In the late 1980s when the first computer virus appeared on the scene, it was quickly followed by the first antivirus software. The first one I bought was sold by a company that charged about $25 for the program, or for $50 you could have “lifetime” updates. It sounded like a bargain and so I paid double for the lifetime deal.

It came as a surprise a few short years later when I tried to download the newest version of the software and I could not do so. Try to imagine my alarm when I phoned technical support and was told that my lifetime had expired! I hurriedly checked my pulse, and still had one. I informed the lady on the other end of the telephone connection of this fact, but she was not moved. It seemed that my “lifetime” was something they could redefine at their whim.

Another capricious corruption of the language I have noted lately is the word “unlimited.” A lot of internet service providers now advertise “unlimited” broadband access that turns out to be unlimited only as long as the user does not try to use too much of that “unlimited” internet bandwidth.

ISPs are increasingly managing how customers connect to the internet and how much access they can have to it. I understand that ISPs simply have to be able to manage traffic demands on their systems, but they should try to do so without corrupting the language. If they advertise “unlimited” broadband then there should not be a limit hidden in the fine print of some obscure “fair use policy.”

Still another egregious dictionary violation is being practiced by every bank that issues credit cards, as a good friend of mine learned. “My credit card was sold to me with a ‘fixed rate’ but evidently ‘fixed’ is a flexible term. When I suddenly had a balance worth charging interest on, they kicked it up four percentage points. Why? Because ‘The Terms’ say they can adjust any fixed rate, any time they want to.”

Jesus got it right when he took a whip to the money-changers in the temple. Two thousand years later, it’s hard to find a good whip when you need one.

Charles Miller is a freelance computer consultant, a frequent visitor to San Miguel since 1981 and now practically a full-time resident. He may be contacted at 044-415-101-8528 or email FAQ@SMAguru.com.