The Computer Corner
By Charles Miller, Sept 22, 2006

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Three weeks ago, this column was devoted to the subject of hoax emails and how to spot them. I was tickled that not just one but two Atención readers sent me the identical email in response.

This funny email has been bouncing around the internet in several versions for some time; I saw it first more than a year ago. Its author is unknown and so I am unable to give appropriate attribution, but it does such a good job of lampooning email hoaxes I think it deserves quoting in this abbreviated form:

“I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the warning about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.”

“I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.”

“I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me because I forwarded their email to everyone in my address book. I am also waiting for a large commission payment from the brother-in-law of the widow of the late president of a diamond mining company in Nigeria.”

“I no longer eat Kentucky Fried Chicken because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.”

“I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.”

“Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.”

“I no longer turn on my computer on days ending in the letter ‘Y’ because a virus undetectable by any anti-virus software will activate and erase all my data.”

“Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper either since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.”

“Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.”

“I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.”

“I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.”

“I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support American troops or the Salvation Army.”

“I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.”

“I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.”

“And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 someone dropped in the parking lot because it probably was really placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.”

“If you don’t email this article to at least 1,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large bird with diarrhea will land on your head this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician, who wrote about it on the internet.”

Many thanks to the author or authors unknown.



Charles Miller is a freelance computer consultant, a frequent visitor to San Miguel since 1981 and now practically a full-time resident. He may be contacted at 044-415-153-8528 or email FAQ@SMAguru.com