Just in case
By Nancy Blake Bohné

Thanks to the folks at Worst Case Scenario, we all know how to leap from a high rise into a dumpster, what to do if our parachute doesn’t open, how to re-attach a severed limb, control a runaway camel and escape from the trunk of a car—all highly useful skills, but clearly their team of experts has never encountered the everyday adventure of living in San Miguel. Here it isn’t so much a question of if but more one of when. So we at Atención have gathered our own team of experts in order to provide our readers with that little extra edge…

What, for example, does one do when in the midst of an elegant dinner the realization hits that the crunchy tidbits you’ve been eating have legs, wings and a thorax? Since shrieking and spitting are not high on the list of survival tactics, our experts recommend you summon all the karma you’ve osmosed in your years here and plant the idea of a peanut firmly in your mind. Keep chewing, mentally repeating the chant itsapeanutitsapeanutitsapeanut until you can successfully swallow. At this point, provided there are no body parts caught in your teeth, you should smile pleasantly at your host, assume an air of cultural expansiveness and inquire as to whether that was a chapulin, a chicatana or a chinicuile—all equally distressing to those whose palates are accustomed to fried pies and luncheables. The lesson here is to remember that when it comes to putting things into tortillas, anything is fair game.

Dodging those annoying political rants is another skill required for survival in San Miguel, and there are several ways to go on this one; Right, Left or Green. The object here is to confuse the opposition. We recommend you wear a burka, dishdasha, yarmulke or wimple, a T-shirt that says “MAKE LOVE NOT WAR,” and always carry a copy of Rush Limbaugh’s latest book. This usually leaves them speechless.

Should you find yourself impaled on the front of an urbano that just careened around the corner, your first move should be to tuck in all tuckable body parts and hope that God really is at the wheel and that she’s on your side—next you must attract the attention of the bus driver. Do this by grasping anything at hand, including passengers, and pull yourself up until the only thing between your face and his is the windshield. Ask to be dropped at the next corner and don’t feel you should have to pay for that particular ride.

Sure, jicotes may be among the world’s greatest pollinators, but that loses all meaning when they’re coming your way. They may be solitary insects in other parts of the world, but in Mexico they have big extended families, fiestas and enjoy swarming. They don’t die after they sting you, they reload. Surviving a swarm of jicotes is very much like surviving a cougar attack, simply outrun the person next to you.

Research is still in progress regarding glorieta survival as the rules vary by state. Sometimes clockwise, sometimes counter clockwise, often more of a bumper car arena. We recommend you keep circling until a pattern begins to emerge and then make your move, hoping, once again, that God is at the wheel.

Yoga classes can present all kinds of challenges, but you should know two things, it isn’t appropriate to laugh and never, ever eat a huge plate of chilaquiles right before class. Fortunately, if you leave one class in disgrace, there are many, many others.

Should you find yourself detained by the police and escorted to their offices, don’t panic and begin shouting “Don’t touch me, I’m an American!” More than likely you’re there to sign for the iPod you so stupidly left on a park bench. If you do, however, end up spending the night in a Mexican prison – well – don’t drop the soap!

As for surviving those unexpected dynamite blasts that seem to be coming from your neighbor’s back yard, advice and ideas poured in with the common denominator being to always keep a fresh pair of underwear handy and just try to appreciate the spiritual significance of whatever saint’s day is being marked.

Cures for a tequila hangover or la cruda are legion so a tremendous amount of research is involved. The most recent experiment conducted involved consuming a plate of menudo the morning after, the theory being that eating a plate of guts is bound to make you spill yours. We suggest giving the techniques from The Secret a try: if you wish it hard enough, the room actually will stop spinning.

New information arrives every Monday morning, we’ll keep you posted.









Soccer 101
By Nancy Bohné

Okay sports fans, you’ve lost control of the remote, you’re in between sports anyway. So it’s time to bear down and get ready for some soccer— “football” to the rest of the planet. It may not involve bone-crushing tackles, dizzying dunks or spectacular slap shots, but aren’t you just a little bit curious about the world’s most popular game?

Once you get past the 1-0 scores, understand the basics and pick a team to root for, you’ve got games to watch pretty much all year round. It’s that first part that stumps Americans hooked on 24-second shot clocks, two minute warnings and double or triple digit scoring. But what finally trumps all of that is the passion the players and the fans have for the game. When that ball finally sails into the net there is an overwhelming release of pure euphoria. It really counts.

One basket in a basketball game means nothing until the very end of the game; football has the occasional Hail Mary pass or a 50-yard field goal to win the game but in soccer, when you’re 85 minutes into the game and suddenly the first GOOOOOAAL is scored—well, that’s a whole lot of foreplay and it’s freaking great!

The basics

In professional soccer there are 11 players per team, 10 playing the field and one goalkeeper. There are two 45 minute halves with extra time added to each to make up for time wasted or lost during the original 45 minutes. A tie score following the full 90 minutes, plus added time can either end the game, or, if it’s a deciding game in a tournament, the tie will lead to overtime. If neither team scores then it goes to penalty kicks. Each team is given five attempts to score on the opposing goalie and the highest scores wins, of course.

Only the goalkeeper can use his hands, and only within the confines of the marked-off area surrounding the goal. When a player aside from the goal keeper uses his hands the opposing team gets a free kick from the spot of the foul.

Players are penalized for rough or unfair play (getting snippy with the ref will send a player packing too) through the use of cards—just like kindergarten. When a referee gives a player a yellow card, it’s considered a stern warning. A serious infraction, such as an act of violence of some type on the field, will earn a player a red card. A red card means the player has been ejected from the game and can’t be replaced, so that team has to play with fewer players. Two yellow cards for one player equals one red card, not to mention heaps of fan abuse. But as long as the player actually connects with the ball there usually won’t be a foul, even if the opposing player is knocked unconscious!

An offensive player must keep one defensive player between himself and the goalkeeper before having the ball directed toward him. If there isn’t, it’s called an “offsides” and the opposing team gets a free kick from the spot of the infraction. Offsides can seem tricky at first, but the replays on televised games show exactly how a player erred in positioning.

Mexico’s national team draws an astronomical number of fans and in South America teams are pretty much chosen at birth. To quote Spanish soccer star Luis Suarez: “In Latin America the border between soccer and politics is vague. There is a long list of governments that have fallen or been overthrown after the defeat of the national team.”

The most popular professional teams in Mexico are America out of Mexico City and the Guadalajara Chivas. The Chivas tend to reign supreme here as the team is all Mexican, no statesiders or Europeans. The rivalry is intense to say the least. Both teams were founded in the early 1900s and they’ve played 164 matches since then. America has won 57, the Chivas have won 58 and there have been 49 draws.

Soccer is an event, a passion, one enjoyed in groups, on the streets, in restaurants, in tienditas—you’ll even find a television bracketed to the wall behind the puesto next to Espinos.

Mexico’s national team is currently playing in the Copa America, making it into the semi-finals by beating Paraguay 6-0. The high score may have had something to do with the red card earned by the Paraguay goalkeeper in the first two minutes of the game for kicking the legs right out from under an opposing player. There’s always some tournament or other going on but the regular season for the Liga Mayor opens Friday, August 3 with America playing Puebla, Tecos vs Pachuca and Pumas vs Chivas. Even the US team is making strides. They won the Copa de Oro so they and everyone else will be gearing up for that month long soccer orgy—the 2010 World Cup.