Personally Speaking
With Dr Beverly Nelson

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I need your help with an important decision. I have lived in New York for 10 years since I got divorced. I got a job there, my ex-husband lives close by and my two boys want to stay close to their Dad. 

I visited a close friend who lives in San Miguel for the holidays and now I would like to move there to pursue an art career. I am 45; my boys are 20 and 22. The problem is, they don't want to go. 

I really am not doing what I want to do in New York, I hate my job, and all I do is take care of my boys. I make good money but I have nothing to show for it because I pay all the bills for all of us. Both boys have good jobs but they don't help with the expenses. I worry that I'll be so far away from them, but I really want to go and live the life I've always wanted to live. What should I do? 

I Want to Go 



Dear I Want to Go,

Your sons are really young men who are capable of taking care of themselves. As parents, the greatest gift we can give our children is independence. The longer you sacrifice to take care of your sons, the longer they will depend on you. This is the time when you should begin living your life the way you want to. Go for it!




Dear Dr. Beverly,

I am an agnostic, always have been, I guess. But my son and his wife have recently become born-again Christians. They will be visiting San Miguel with their two children in a few weeks. I just know the question of religion is going to come up. I have a rather short fuse, but I don't want to break up our family. Can you help?

Confused

Dear Confused,

This is an issue that frequently comes up in family situations. The important thing to remember is that your son is an independent young man and, as his father, you have given him the freedom to make life choices for himself. Unfortunately, these life choices don't always agree with what we think we would like for our children. During his visit, I suggest that you "agree to disagree" and support him and his wife in their decision. Confrontation of differences in life choices is not the answer. In the bigger picture, it's more important to maintain a loving relationship with your family and enjoy one another.

Dear Dr. Beverly,

A friend of mine told me recently about her tough childhood-she was sexually abused by her father years ago. She and her father have never really confronted the issue. At Easter time, her parents are going to be visiting San Miguel, and I'm concerned about how I should act toward her father while they are here. Any advice?

Concerned



Dear Concerned,

Your friend must place a lot of trust in you to share such an important part of her life with you. It sounds like she is ready to start dealing with the abuse. As her friend, you could be very instrumental in helping her by advising that she seek a counselor to help her deal with this issue. As far as your dealing with her father, I would suggest that you remain neutral and allow your friend to deal with this issue on her own "time." If you feel uncomfortable being with her father, then I would decline any invitations to gatherings that include him. However, I would tell your friend why you are doing this. Supporting your friend, at this time, is the most important thing you can do to help her.

Dr. Beverly Nelson is a psychologist and co-founder of LifePath, which offers retreats and other programs for personal growth. LifePath Center is located at calle Recreo 80, 154-8465, www.lifepathretreats.com