Dear Dr. Beverly,

There have been recent sexual assaults in San Miguel and, frankly, I'm frightened. I live alone and have a good security system but I still wake up at night filled with fear and I can't get back to sleep. What can I do? 

Frightened in San Miguel



Dear Frightened,

First of all, safety is a feeling. You can have the best security system in the world and still feel that you're not safe. So, in addition to dealing with the logistics of protecting yourself, you have to deal with your internal state of mind. I would suggest creating a statement that comforts you. Then, I would use it to replace all fearful thoughts that you have throughout the day and night. It's also important to remember that, as a foreigner living in San Miguel, you might be more fearful because the language is different, the culture is different, and you may not feel as familiar with your surroundings. It takes some time to assimilate to a different culture. In the meantime, learn Spanish, meet your neighbors, and learn as much as you can about the culture. Try not to isolate! It really helps to establish a support system. Here are a couple of other ideas that might be helpful:

-Find a class or technique that will teach you how to feel "grounded" in your body (e.g., yoga, some type of martial arts class, a self-defense class, etc.).

-Practice a regular method to quiet the mind (e.g., hour of silence every day, meditation practice, gardening, cooking, walking, etc.).

-Express your feelings to others who will listen and understand. I don't suggest gossiping about the situation. This only increases the fear. However, I do suggest that you express your feelings of fear.

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I am so angry about the recent attacks in San Miguel. I moved here thinking it would be paradise-safe, secure, and simple. Maybe this was an illusion, but I feel angry that this has been taken away from me. How can I reconcile these feelings? I don't want to move away. 

Lost Paradise



Dear Lost Paradise,

I understand how you feel. The feelings you described are very real. It is normal to have expectations about what living in San Miguel is like. There have been so many articles written about the idyllic lifestyle it offers. However, as you mentioned, this can be an illusion. The fact is that San Miguel de Allende is no different from many other cities across the world. When foreigners enter another country, the effect can be both positive and negative. It is important to keep this in mind and to remember to assimilate into the community as peacefully as possible. Your feelings can also be looked at as a "wake-up call" to take a meaningful look at your own life. How are you showing up in life? Examine your relationships, your day-to-day activities, and so on. Are you happy with your choices? Whenever there is a crisis of some kind, it's often time to reevaluate our own situation. This can bring a new self-awareness. It's interesting to me that the Chinese symbol for crisis is the same as for opportunity. And, 
importantly, share your feelings in a productive way. I keep a tennis racket handy and frequently "beat" my sofa to release anger from my body. It's a way to let go of the anger and not "dump" it on anyone else. 

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I have been dating a man for three years whom I met through mutual friends here in San Miguel. He has told me that he has had one other long-term relationship, no marriage, and had one child with this woman. He's also told me that he doesn't believe in marriage. I do believe in marriage and I think it is time to resolve this difference. Each time I ask him for a marriage commitment, I get a "no" as a response. What should I do?

Hopeful



Dear Hopeful,

It sounds like your partner has been honest with you from the beginning-he's not interested in marriage. This is evidenced by the fact that he has not married before, even though he has had children within a relationship. He does not believe in marriage. If you really believe that marriage is important to you, then you must end this relationship and find someone who wants the same commitment that you want. If you don't, you may find heartache as a constant reminder of your decision.



Dr. Beverly Nelson is a psychologist and co-founder of LifePath, which offers retreats and other programs for personal growth. The LifePath Center is located at calle Recreo 80, 154-8465, www.lifepathretreats.com