Personally Speaking
With Dr Beverly Nelson

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I am in a terrible dilemma. I need to know if I should forgive my husband or just leave him and move on. I've been married to my husband for 30 years. He told me 2 weeks ago that he no longer knew how he felt about me and he asked for a divorce. He left home. After many conversations, we reconciled and he returned home. Everything was OK until I found out from a friend that she had seen him with another woman. He confessed to having an affair with this woman and has asked for my forgiveness. Since my husband has returned home, he has been a different person. He treats me like a queen and says that he is sorry. I don't know whether to believe him or not. What do you think? 

Dilemma in San Miguel


Dear Dilemma,

You and your husband must find out what the underlying problems are in your relationship and why he chose to have an affair to attempt to solve these problems. This behavior is very hurtful but it's important not to make decisions based on anger and bitterness. Other couples have survived infidelity-however, it takes a lot of love, hard work and effort. 

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I'm in love with a woman who is younger than I am. She is a wonderful woman who is beautiful, caring, and intelligent. The problem is that she wants a baby and I am finished with babies. I raised three children of my own. In fact, I'm retired here in San Miguel and just want to enjoy my time. She understands where I am in my life and I understand her needs, but that doesn't solve the dilemma. We recently broke up and I am miserable. I miss her terribly but still can't imagine raising any more children. I need help deciding what to do. 

Help


Dear Help,

The woman you described sounds like she would make a wonderful mother. And, that's her choice and privilege. As hard as it is, it's important for you to let her find a man whose dreams are compatible with her own.

Dear Dr. Beverly,

I am a 32-year-old woman and I've been married for a year and a half. After our wedding, my husband and I moved to San Miguel from my hometown. We're living our dreams and I'm happier now than I have ever been. 

The problem is that my mother has never stopped making me feel guilty about moving. She has become hard to deal with and is saying that she would rather forget about me than deal with the pain of my living so far away. I try to call her frequently but this doesn't seem to be enough. I've also invited her to come and visit for an extended time but she refuses. 

I know she misses me and I miss her, but I feel she is being unreasonable. I'm afraid I'll lose my relationship with my mother if I don't move back to my hometown. I need advice.

Missing Mom 

Dear Missing,

It's important that you not sacrifice the happy life you have created in order to please your mother. You can remind her that she's done a great job in raising you to become an independent, strong woman who can make choices like you have made. Sometimes, children never leave home even though they would be happier and healthier if they had. 

Of course, your mother is suffering a sense of loss, and so are you. It's possible that your mom placed a great deal of focus on you and your life before you moved, and she doesn't know what to do with her life now. You might encourage her to become involved in activities and relationships that will be emotionally rewarding for her. When she starts threatening you with abandoning the relationship, don't take the bait. Just tell her that you love her and that you always will. You may have to become a broken record for awhile, but do not give in to emotional blackmail.


Dr Beverly Nelson is a psychologist and co-founder of LifePath, wich offers programs for personal growth. Tel 154-8465.