Relationships benefit from goodwill 
July 14, 2006

Susan Page has been conducting workshops for singles and couples since 1980. She is the author of five books about relationships, including the international bestseller If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?, which has been translated into 20 languages and was the top bestseller in Russia in 1994. A repeat guest on Oprah Winfrey's show, Page has also appeared on Good Morning America, CNN, PBS, and NPR, to name a few.

Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including USA Today, People, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Psychology Today. She began her career as a Protestant campus minister at Washington University and Columbia and was the director of womens' programs at the University of California, Berkeley. Her most recent book, published in May, is entitled Why Talking Is Not Enough: 8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage ( www.susanpage.com ). The following is adapted from that book. Page is also the founder of the San Miguel Authors' Sala.

Adapted from Why Talking Is Not Enough:

8 Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage In the extensive interviews with thriving couples that I conducted for my second book, Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive, I discovered over and over one outstanding quality that separated couples who thrive from couples who don't. It wasn't that these happy couples all came from stable, loving homes. It wasn't that happy couples all had excellent communication skills or that they were unusually compatible with each other.

What happy couples had that set them apart was a spirit of goodwill. 

Goodwill is an overall feeling of generosity toward your partner. It is the attitude, "I am on your side, no matter what. I am your ally, not your adversary." When you approach a situation with a spirit of goodwill, it means you value your relationship far more than whatever problems were caused by this one small incident. You are willing to acknowledge that your partner's point of view, while you don't agree with it, might have some validity for him or her. You realize that positive, spontaneous acts of thoughtfulness are important expressions of love. You understand that love has nothing to do with fairness. Love is love. The more you give it away, the more you receive.

Ask yourself, What is the purpose of this relationship? What are my goals?

Is your purpose to get your partner to be more considerate? Is your purpose to get your partner to take out the trash? Probably not. Most likely, your overall, guiding purpose is to create a relationship that supports you both. It is to enjoy your lives together, to nurture the aliveness and adoration that brought you together in the first place. Your purpose may be to care for your love so that it overflows beyond the two of you to your friends and family and to your work in the world.

To operate on a foundation of goodwill is to keep the true purpose of your relationship in mind, especially in times of stress or conflict. It means keeping the difficulties you encounter in perspective. In the grand scheme of things, how important are your differences really? When the current stress or obstacle is long behind you, will your love have been strengthened or diminished by it? 

When your relationship operates on a foundation of goodwill it means that even when you are angry and you know you are right, you can be reasonable, you can be "nice." 

Gail and Jeff were both exhausted one evening, and they got into an argument. Jeff was late for a meeting, so right at the height of Gail's tirade, he slammed the door and left. Gail was furious and felt dismissed and abandoned. She was sobbing.
About five minutes after Jeff left, he pulled over, took out his cell phone, and called Gail. "I'm still angry," he told her, "but I love you. I'm sorry I left so abruptly. We'll talk when I get home. I know we will work this out. Don't worry."

Jeff wasn't worried about who was right or wrong in this conflict. His goodwill prevailed, even when he was angry. If this had been a couple in which there was little goodwill, I can imagine this fight might have escalated, with much name-calling and blaming and bad feelings being carried around for days.

Goodwill goes against the grain of much of what we have been taught. America was founded on an ethic of rugged individualism and watching out for number one! Also, in the last several decades both the women's movement and the recovery movement have encouraged us to take care of our own needs and allow others to take care of their own. The pendulum needs to swing back now. We must balance our hard-won self-care and independence with a willingness to be thoughtful, gracious and generous. 

Let's be clear that goodwill has nothing to do with being co-dependent. Co-dependence means attempting to do for other people work that they must do for themselves, as when you try to "help" someone to stop drinking. Or, it can be a "favor" that actually encourages someone else to continue dysfunctional behavior, as when you call in sick for your friend who is too drunk to go to work. There is a huge range of generous, loving, kind, thoughtful, giving behavior that is in no way whatsoever related to co-dependence.

Goodwill is not about "giving in," or losing your feeling of control. Quite the opposite, an act of generosity comes from a self that is so strong and well-developed that it can easily tolerate not getting its way. For many of us, learning to take care of our own needs is not a challenge. But cultivating a spirit of goodwill is more of a reach.

A deliberate decision to make a kind gesture is empowering. It is an act of loving leadership. Leadership is not "fair." Leaders may have to do more work in order to watch over, not only their own needs, but the needs of the whole group and all the individuals in the group. But leadership has many rewards, and one of them is increased inner strength and personal power. When you take the high road for the benefit of your relationship, everyone wins.

Even when you are not feeling strong, engaging in deliberate acts of generosity will help you to build your inner strength and will help you develop your growing spiritual self. When you "think goodwill," you will begin to experience more compassion for your partner. You will become more forgiving, and more able to see a different point of view. You will start to recognize that your partner is doing the very best he or she can, and that your love and support-far more than your nagging or your watching out mainly for yourself-will expand your partner's ability to do well, and to love you back.

Dr. John Gottman, who studies couples in a laboratory setting, encourages couples to "turn toward your partner, instead of away," and to "let your partner influence you." 

What a concept! Let your partner's needs and desires have an impact on what you say and do. It is profound advice! Especially after decades in which all the emphasis was on getting your own needs met. 

In his "A Treatise of Human Nature," the eighteenth-century philosopher David Hume wrote this about love:

"Tis plain, that this affection, in its most natural state, is deriv'd from the conjunction of three different impressions or passions, viz., the pleasing sensation arising from beauty; the bodily appetite for generation; and a generous kindness or good-will."

Authors' Sala Readings by Susan Page and Marilene Phipps
Friday, July 21, 5-7pm, Posada San Francisco, Plaza Principal 2
50 Pesos, includes wine reception



Zamora presents prize-winning novel

Moisés Zamora presents his prize-winning first novel, Susurros bajo el agua. The presentation, in Spanish, is sponsored by San Miguel PEN. It is free of charge and open to the public. Moisés Zamora, who is 28 years old, is trilingual in English, Spanish and French. He was born in the state of Jalisco, grew up in California, and was educated at Brown University.

He was living in Paris when he wrote the novel, and Paris is its setting. Zamora considers himself a "border writer" in many senses. 

The novel Susurros bajo el agua was published by CONACULTA in Mexico in 2005. In April 2005, it won the 2004 Binational Prize for Young Novelists "Borders of Words." At the same time, it was judged a finalist in the Madrid VI Prize for First Works of Young Prosewriters. 

Because of Moisés Zamora's clear speaking style and his ready facility with English to resolve confusions, this would be a good event for students of Spanish. There will be a reception after the event at which copies of the book will be available. For more information call 152-0614 or write lucina@unisono.net.mx.

Book Presentation, Moisés Zamora
Saturday, July 15, 7pm, Bellas Artes auditorium, Hernández Macías 75